Dear Universe...

Taking a leaf out of the Yarn Harlot's book (although she's much funnier than I am), I thought I'd mention a few things to the Universe that aren't working here. Though my experience with the Universe is that it's definitely male, because it doesn't usually listen to me.

Here's a small list of things That Do Not Work:

1. When you're sending heavy rain over the country, please remember that the east coast of the South Island (our ancestors were SO original in their names) exists. We actually need the rain. The west coast doesn't.

2. The yapping spaniel that drives my dogs mad. Could you perhaps make it mute? Currently it yaps from the minute it leaves its home, all the way along the street. Or better still, get its owners to move away.

3. Birds getting trapped in the roof. Somewhere. I don't object to the rich variety of birdlife living on my roof - after all, it's the tallest building around - and the fact that the birds are having sex up there too - but can you please prevent a repeat of what happened last year? My houseguests objected to maggots falling out of the ceiling onto their pillows. For some reason.

4. And while we're on critters, perhaps you could arrange for some of my neighbours to have gardens? So that every cat in the immediate vicinity is not using MY garden to crap in.

Thanks.